I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
