On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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