You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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