Pants 0. Shit 1.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
