I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
