Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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