There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you didnt know i had herpes?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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