if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
