How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
