I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
