You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
