you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
