yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
