The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So squirting runs in the family.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
