apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
