I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Two words: blizzard sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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