I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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