You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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