Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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