So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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