Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
