so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
