I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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