Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
