Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
