I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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