On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
