last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
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He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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