so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
