Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
