just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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