Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
