i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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