I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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