his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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