i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
