he looks like a really good dad on facebook
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
