I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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