you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
