Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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