Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
