My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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