Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
