sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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