My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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