God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
