There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
