Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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