the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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