I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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