If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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