Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
