I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
