I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
