Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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