Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
