Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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