Me too!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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